Alfredius and Jeyrshius Master Detectives
by TheUltimateMuffin
Summary: Alfredius and Jeyrshius investigate Fake News at Sweven


Alfredius and Jeyrshius Investigate Fake News at Sweven:

In which a mystery involving Kyle, Alfred and Jersh, and Fake News at Sweven comes to light.

Alfredius: Have you seen the latest issue of Fake News at Sweven, my dear Jeyrshius?

Jeyrshius: Why, yes, of course. How could I miss out upon fantastic reporting such as "Jonny's getting AIDS"?

Alfredius: Quite right, quite right. Now, detective Jeyrshius, I noticed something quite mysterious in the latest newsletter. Let me point you to Exhibit A.

Jeyrshius: Exhibit A.

_Exhibit A_

Alfredius: Now, what do you see here, Jeyrshius?

Jeyrshius: Some muddled text, possibly with…

Alfredius: Put on your glasses, dammit! Now, in exhibit A, you can clearly see that Fake News at Sweven bemoans the declining conditions of the submitted content. On to exhibit B!

Jeyrshius: What about Exhibit B. You've said nothing about Exhibit A.

_Exhibit B_

Alfredius: Quite right, quite right. Now bear with me for a moment, you'll notice that Fake News at Sweven bemoans the declining conditions of the submitted material.

Jeyrshius: You just said that.

Alfredius: I know.

Jeyrshius: So why?

Alfredius: Must I tell you the reason for everything Jershius? You have a brain, I think, and it would be good for you to use it one of these days. Go on, what is the relationship between these two Exhibits?

Jeyrshius: For starters, the white balance is off, the saturation is a bit too much on Exhibit B, and I distinctly think that Exhibit A displays an elitist tone not seen in newsletters now-a-days.

Alfredius: That may all be true, but your missing the bigger point, Jeyrshius. _It's the same text. In the last two issues._ I now direct you to Exhibit Drei:

_Exhibit Drei_

Jeyrshius: What is this degenerate, weeb, filth?

Alfredius: Ah, yes, sorry about that. On to exhibit 4!

_Exhibit 4_

Jeyrshius: This seems to be some ramblings of a pedophile who cannot bring himself to love others.

Alfredius: No, not really. Again you miss the point, Jeyrshius. It isn't what is in Exhibit 4, what isn't in exhibit 4 is more important. _This was not featured in the latest issue of Fake News at Sweven._

Jeyrshius: I don't see the point. This is clearly not quality content.

Alfredius: Yes, of course, dear Jeyrshius. _BUT_, it is memeable content. Its words can be twisted against Kyle to make him look like a buffoon for not giving Fake News at Sweven free Cane's.

Jeyrshius: But that happened after the latest is…

Alfredius: Nevertheless, we must proceed onward. We are very busy men, trying to solve all these deep mysteries that are surrounding Fake News at Sweven. For example, Exhibit H: Big Thud.

_E  
xhibit H_

Hyle Jumenik: *Yeets Jeyrshius on the back of the head with a baseball bat, producing an audible thud as Jeyrshius hits the floor* I will not stand for this libel and slander. Bring on the artist. *The Artist walks into the room*

Alfredius: You have attacked Jershius! How could you.

Cormac: I will direct your attention to Exhibit F: He was an asshole.

_Exhibit F_

Alfredius: So, you think you can just walk into the middle of a very delicate investigation and assault one of the detectives. This is outrageous! Jeyrshius. Lock these two men up and force them to watch the remainder of the investigation. The plot is thickening….

Jeyrshius: Right away, Alfredius. Kyle, Cormac. Please come with me. I wouldn't want either of you to experience Exhibit H: Big Thud.

_E  
xhibit H_

Cormac: You can't do this. Kyle, yeet Alfredius or something. Kyle! Noooooooooooooooooooo!

Alfredius: I will now direct your attention to Exhibit 3.2: Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! That's impossible! As you can see, my dear Cormac, you have no power over us. We are not the pair of buffoons known as Alfred and Jersh. Come now, my friend, into Kyle's pleasure room. Big tings are in store for the world.

_Exhibit 3.2_

Cormac: *Incoherent Screaming*

Jeyrshius: Well, that about settles it, doesn't it?

Alfredius: Wrong, my friend, dead wrong. See, the mystery surrounding Fake News at Sweven goes even deeper. Jeyrshius, ready Exhibit J, if you please. Thank you. Now, Cormac, Hyle, do you notice anything interesting about Exhibit J. I thought not, it's not a story that Fake News at Sweven would tell you. This is the short story that Fake News at Sweven refused to publish, despite its much-improved story over Alfred and Jersh, about the death of Hubert Humphrey at the hands of Eugene McCarthy. Knowing this, we can only conclude one thing.

_Exhibit J_

Jeyrshius: The editor of Fake News at Sweven has a discerning eye for talent.

Alfredius: Wrong, my dear Jershius, very wrong in deed. I am sad to say that a blunder of that magnitude only occurs once Jonny gambles away his life's savings. In fact, this proves that the editors of Fake News at Sweven does not care about quality memeable content. No, they are only concerned with making Hyle suffer and shaming Jonathan, because that will get the magazine the most "clicks".

Jeyrshius: So..

Alfredius: So Fake News at Sweven is an agent of the deep state. They censor the hard work done by starving artists in order to make a profit.

Jeyrshius: But Fake News at Sweven is free.

Alfredius: That's what you would think, now, Jeyrshius. You couldn't be more wrong. Jeyrshius, Swevenites aren't the consumer of Fake News at Sweven, _they are the product_. The Editor of Fake News of Sweven must be holding on to a great big pile of blackmail material, waiting for his chance to manipulate people. And so I direct you to exhibit X and Y. One is the editor of Fake News at Sweven, t he other is a prospective 2036 presidential candidate. Jeyrshius, which one is which?

_ Exhibit X Exhibit Y_

Jeyrshius: The one on the left is quite obviously presidential, as shown by his elitist demeanor, while the one on the right…

Alfredius: Jeyrshius, once again, my dearest friend, you fail to grasp a basic understanding of optics. How has this investigation bamboozled you?

Jeyrshius: Because there's no food in the kitchen.

Alfredius: Quite right, quite right, I do think a snack is in order.

Intermission

Alfredius: Returning to the scene of the crime, we find that the Editor of Fake News at Sweven and the 2036 prospective candidate _are one and the same person! _Thus, Fake News at Sweven is no more than a propaganda machine used to boost his popularity years before the election takes place. Now returning back to the original problem, of lack of quality content. Isn't it obvious, Jeyrshius?

Jeyrshius: Cookies. Om nom nom nom.

Alfredius: You continue to astound me with your incompetence, Jeyrshius. This is simply a lie. Plenty of quality content was submitted, but most of it is unfit for a future president. This implies that Fake News at Sweven is censoring the truth. Kyle and Cormac are only acting this way because they have been blackmailed by Fake News at Sweven. Jonny's real life is doing fine, and Fake News at Sweven is attempting to discredit his future run for presidency. It all fits, Jeyrshius. It all fits. Now! To arms! We must bring the revolution to them before they suspect anything! Remember Hubert Humphrey! Remember Kyle's innocence! We will not go gentle into that good night! We will free ourselves from the influence of the deep state! We will End the Fed! We will bring back Stephen! And once all this is done, we will create ourselves a new Utopia, and name it Nevews! Today we rise up, my brothers and sisters, against peace and justice and brotherhood and all that is good in the world!

AJ Gambill: Shut up! I'm trying to make a sword.

Alfredius: Ah, yes. Sorry about that, AJ. I really am.

Aj Gambill: Good. Now if you'll come up here, I have something I wish for you to do.

Alfredius: What?

AJ Gambill: I want you to…_uncover some dirt on Clark!_

Alfredius: Yes Master. Come along Jeyrshius.

Jeyrshius: Right you are, Alfredius.


End file.
